On my feet...

Finally, I am back on my financial feet again. It was a long and difficult summer, financially speaking. My husband Jim only received 50% of his June short-term disability check, due to calendar dates. Then his payments switched from short-term disability to long-term disability. I soon found out that Jim’s short-term paid at the front end of the month, and long-term paid at the end of the month. Jim had no disability check at all for July, or for August. I only work during the school year, so I had no income at all during the summer. I had to manage the entire summer on half of one month’s payment. I went the entire summer on a wing and a prayer, on credit cards, and on the kindness of others. Jim had already emptied his entire savings account and I had nothing left to fall back on. It was scary. It was humbling. It was hard.

It was a difficult time for me, financially speaking. It was also a difficult time for me, emotionally speaking. It was difficult to tell my son that he could not participate in various activities. My daughter did not participate in any extra activities. We were unable to go visit adult children. It was difficult to do activities with my family that required money. It was difficult to ask for help. 

I am now happy to say that this month I am back on track. I was able to meet our financial obligations once again. I had to tell my son that he could not participate in football this year, but sports are a luxury that I cannot justify right now. There is no savings account yet and there are no extra funds, but our obligations/bills are paid. 

I am thankful to friends that have helped us along the way. I have received gifts from gardens, gifts from kitchens, gifts of money, gifts of clothing, gifts of school supplies, gifts of camping, and gifts of time. I will one day to pay it forward. 

Thank you...

Thank you. Throughout Jim’s cancer crisis I have been in awe of the kindness and generosity displayed to us. Some people we knew would step forward and assist us in any way they could, and they certainly have. Some people we didn't expect but were pleasantly surprised by their help. Some saw a need and just took care of it. Some pointed us in the right direction. Some have prayed for us, thought of us, provided positive energy and uplifted us. Some people helped with encouraging words (some spoken and some written), some in actions and deeds, some with childcare, some financially, some gave time, some gave meals, some gave gift cards, some gave groceries, some in all categories. Some people have no idea just how much they have helped us. Sometimes it was a huge need that was met. Sometimes it was the littlest thing that was huge to us. Sometimes it was a tiny smile or a fb post of theirs that hit home. Some people knew that they helped us; some have no idea that it meant so much. Some types of assistance were easy to accept; sometimes we had to swallow our pride to say yes. Some of you truly were the mouth or hands of God, if you realize it or not. Some of you helped anonymously… and we never did figure out who you were, so I cannot personally thank you but I hope you know that you are appreciated.  We are so very thankful to each of you. If I haven’t personally thanked you, please know that I meant to and it was an oversight. Some of you may not realize that it was you that touched our hearts. Jim and I (and Matt) had a conversation regarding how it felt to be blessed by others, so that we can remember that feeling, so that we can pay it forward in the future. Several days I have been moved to tears by your words or deeds, and again today is one of those days as I reflect back over the last few months. Sometimes "Thank You" doesn't seem like it's deep enough to say what we feel, but I don't have a better phrase. Thank you, from both Jim and I. <3

Generosity...

Once again I am left in awe because of the kindness of others. My co-workers (at two schools!) donated money to Jim and I to help with medical expenses. I was so surprised, so thankful, so grateful, and so appreciative of their kindness and generosity. I certainly did not expect it! I was so touched and overwhelmed with their compassion I had to fight back tears just minutes before school was to start because I didn't want the kids at school to think something was wrong. I held it together, barely. I will always wonder if my friends know how much their gesture meant to me. 

Their timing was impeccable. Just yesterday I had expressed concern in my blog about Jim’s low white blood cell count. I didn't blog about the financial aspect, but I also had concern about Jim’s five extra trips to the cancer facility to receive the additional medications. Each trip takes more gasoline money. Each additional doctor visit is another $35 co-pay. My main focus was, and is, Jim’s low WBC counts… but in the back of my mind I was worried about the extra expenses. I knew (or was hopeful) the funds would somehow work out; at least it always seems to work out. Little did I know that 'elves" were at work gathering funds to assist us through this crisis. The amount that we received, $249.00, was the exact amount to cover the five co-pays, plus gasoline, plus Jim’s new prescriptions. It was amazing to me that the exact amount we needed was the exact amount we received. As a friend told me today, God knows. 

They will never know just how deeply I was moved by their kindness. Some of the co-workers I have know for years, some of them I recently met, some of them I do not know at all. And yet, they helped us. Someday I will pay it forward. 

Cycle Two, C2d1...

Today is C2d1, Cycle two day one. Jim will have 4-6 cycles of chemotherapy for his lung cancer. Each cycle is 28 days. 

Jim’s white blood cell count is still low, but he was able to receive a full dose of both chemo medicines today. This full dose treatment was a blessing because at the previous two treatments Jim was only able to receive half dose. Jim will have two more treatments this week, then one per week for three weeks. I am very pleased that Jim was able to maintain his treatment schedule.

Today Jim is feeling pretty queasy. He has already had to take one nap today after he arrived back home from his chemo treatment. The nausea and the fatigue are very real issues. Jim has trouble with day-to-day events due to the fatigue and nausea. Jim has not yet lost his hair. I am surprised that Jim still has his hair because the doctor had stated that hair loss was to be expected. Perhaps that is yet to come.

At the end of this second cycle, the doctors should reevaluate Jim to assess his radiation plan. They plan to have Jim do simultaneous treatments. This may be difficult. We will have to wait and see.

I will be glad when the doctors will be able to tell us that Jim’s cancer is in remission… that will be a glorious day, and I am looking forward to it. 

Another month...

Image from Google Images

As any family dealing with a medical crisis, our family is doing our best to meet our financial needs and financial obligations. I am happy to say that we have successfully made it through another month. For us, this is worth sharing because it has been a challenge at times.

In February we completely drained our savings account to pay medical bills. In March we received financial help from friends and we used the gift to pay down more medical bills. This month we received our income tax refund and again used it to pay down medical our obligations.

About three years ago, and before Jim’s cancer crisis, I had put our family on a “financial diet” to try to pay off all of our debts because I dislike paying interest. That plan has been indefinitely put on hold. No extra payments are being made on any of our debts; instead we are focusing on our minimum payments so that we can try and pay all of our medical bills. I am doing whatever it takes to keep Jim’s treatments going and to stay even with all of our obligations. 

My job pays near minimum wage, but it is steady income and more importantly I truly love the job. Jim is receiving another month of short-term disability at 60% of his previous gross, but we have 100% of the bills in addition to the added medical expenses and all that goes along with that. Jim has to re-qualify for short term disability every 30 days, so we never know from month to month if we'll have enough money or not. Jim will not be able to return to work for quite some time. We have to step out on faith and pray that the disability is approved each month; as well as make up the 40% shortfall. That is so very stressful to us both. 

Our biggest budget adjustments have been: gasoline, groceries, and co-pays. Gasoline to get to all of the various appointments that Jim must attend. Pre-cancer we hardly drove the car anywhere at all but now we are attending many medical appointments per week. Groceries so that Jim can eat healthier. We have always eaten a balanced diet but now we must greatly increase the fresh vegetables and fruits to help Jim's body fight the cancer. Co-pays are $35 for every single appointment, chemo treatment, consultation, lab work, x-rays, etc. I quickly learned that co-pays and deductibles are not the same. Our co-pays are in addition to our deductible (20% of the bill); and in addition to the over-the-counter meds and vitamins that are not covered at all. 

Please keep in mind that I'm not complaining, just stating that ‘it is what it is’ and financial issues are part of the picture. We are happy that we are still maintaining this month. We are proud of the fact that we have met this challenge again this month. 

Day 30...

After my husband Jim had his pneumonectomy on 12Feb2013 for lung cancer, the doctor told me that Jim would have three major goals; to survive 24 hours, 10 days, and 30 days. Since Jim’s lung cancer had encroached upon his heart and into his superior pulmonary vein, the risks became much higher than the standard pneumonectomy. All of the “normal” pneumonectomy stats had changed for Jim because of the area of encroachment. 

The first 24 hours were some of the most stress filled hours of my life; but he made it. Jim had some setbacks during the first 10 days; but he made it. Jim had some issues on day 23 that put him back into the hospital; but he made it. I was so glad to check day 30 off on the calendar on 14Mar13. I was so grateful that "Day 30" was the best day ever. Luckily, I don’t fear Ides of March.

Before Jim’s surgery Jim had felt so sick and so miserable, all the time. Jim was physically and emotionally drained. After Jim’s surgery Jim was healing and recuperating. Jim had lots of pain issues and of course health issues, so Jim did not feel anywhere near his best. But on March 14, Day 30, Jim had his best day in eons. Jim physically felt better than he had felt in a very long time. Jim felt emotionally better and more relaxed than he had felt in ages. The weather here in Kansas was exceptionally nice on Day 30, 76° with very little wind. Jim was able to be outside. Jim was able to visit with several friends and neighbors. Jim was able to enjoy the sun. Jim had more energy and stamina than he had experienced in so very long. Jim’s mind and body were no longer working against him. It was so nice to witness Jim having such a wonderful day. I will remember Day 30, always.

Friday, March 15 was equally as nice. Again Kansas had beautiful weather, and unusually warm 80° with low winds. Once again Jim relished the great outdoors. Jim and I loved sitting outside and having coffee in the morning. We visited. We listened to the birds. We watched the sun rise. We were at peace with the world. Jim spent the day doing his favorite thing, visiting with several friends and neighbors.

On Friday evening Jim and I went out to dinner with dear friends. We enjoyed visiting and sharing a meal together. Even though the service at the restaurant was not up to par, the conversation and unwinding with friends was great. The four of us topped off the evening with ice cream treats at a local ice cream store.

Those two days were the best days so far. Every day with Jim, both good and bad, are bonus days. I anticipate many more good days. I look forward to the time when I am unable to count the good days because there will be so many. I know that the chemotherapy road ahead will soon be very challenging; but I also know that there will come a time when I will see Jim have a new, even greater, “best day ever”. 

Interview AND thankful…

I haven’t worked since we've had our daughter Kristen. She is special needs and has many medical, behavioral, and mental challenges. I have to be readily available at a moment’s notice to care for her in case of an emergency. But, now that we are facing Jim’s cancer, things are changing. I have a job interview tomorrow. I have not worked outside the home in over 15 years. 

We have had many financial increases lately. The bottom dropped out of our world (emotionally and financially) with Jim’s lung cancer diagnosis. Jim’s last day of work was January 24th, 2013. We are a payday-to-payday type of family…  and now our one income family went to a no-income family. Jim will receive short term disability (soon I hope) at 60% of his gross pay, but no payments have been received by him as of this blog date. We are blessed that we will have 60% of his income, but we will still have 100% of the bills, and right now we have 0%income. We had a small savings account, but that was emptied last week to cover Jim’s medical deductibles to date, and to cover our monthly expenses. We learned very quickly that co-pay’s ($35 per appointment) do not go towards deductibles. Jim has six appointments this week, which comes to $210 in co-pays alone, plus deductible. Another item that I had not budgeted for was additional fuel for the car. Normally I do not travel much but now we have several trips to the doctors and to various appointments. My gasoline fuel budget has tripled. As of today, we are still current on our bills, but now we have no savings account to fall back on, and no income. That can be scary sometimes. So, that is why I am applying for a job.

My classmates surprised me by providing meals for us during and after Jim’s pneumonectomy hospital stay. That saved us so much time, stress, and grocery money. That was such a blessing to us, a need that I did not even realize that I needed.

Please keep in mind that I am not complaining. I’m just writing about the unforeseen financial challenge that we will have to face. We are a proud family and we want to cover our own expenses without going on public assistance. We do not want to ask for help. So that simply means that I need to find a job since Jim cannot work. 

I am applying for a part-time, morning shift job, so that I will still be available to drive Jim to his many appointments. This job will allow me to get the kids off to school, and to be home when they return, while allowing me to transport Jim to his appointments. The job is only minimum wage, but considering the time constraints that I have to work around,minimum wage is something that I will just have to accept. I know that it will be a job that I will love, so that is a blessing. Maybe I should have finished my bachelor’s degree, lol.

I know that there will be many unforeseen challenges along this cancer journey, and this is simply a blog post about one of those challenges. I will have to step out on faith and ‘play the cards that are dealt to us’… because ‘it is what it is’. I think I have those two phrases drilled into my head. Wish me luck! 

Edit: I wrote this blog at 7am. At 2pm we received a wonderful surprise, financial help from my dear friends and classmates! Yea for stepping out on faith! Happy tears and grateful tears were shed. We just need to say a huge thank you for the financial assistance that was given to us at the exact moment that we really needed it. We were blown-away by the kindness and generosity that has been shown to us. We really appreciate it very much, more that you will ever know. I don't know how they pulled it off without me finding out, but they certainly did! 

You all mean so very much to me, and to Jim, and to our family. Thank you. 

Phase two has begun...

Jim continues to recover from his pneumonectomy on 12Feb13. It is a slow process. Lots of ups and downs, steps forward, steps backwards and one never knows what each day will hold. The surgeons were unable to remove all of the cancer from Jim, even after his left lung was removed. The cancer had encroached upon the heart, and there is a small tumor in the superior pulmonary vein. Jim will require aggressive treatment, in the form of chemotherapy and radiation. 

Jim had an appointment today with his oncologist. It went well. Baseline tests have been ordered and the wheels are in motion to begin Jim’s chemotherapy “soon”. We hear that word “soon” quite often and we are never sure exactly what that means.

It will be a long and difficult journey, but one that must be taken. As a friend said, the goal is not to finish the race first, but it is a race that must be completed. Another friend said: the road to recovery is never straight.

My friends have stepped forward and given us assistance that we did not even realize that we needed. We are very thankful for them. We have each been surprised to receive emotional support from our respective acquaintances, which are now our friends. We are very thankful for our closer relationships. We each have some dear friends that are encouraging us in many ways, as we knew that they would. We are each very thankful for those dear friends.

Phase two of the journey has now begun.

Gratitude...

Some people have said “just take one day at a time.” They are right. But, sometimes I have to take just one hour at a time… and days like today, I take one minute at a time. Jim is doing better and I am so glad to see him improving so much. I think perhaps his improvement is why I have begun to let my guard down. This morning I was looking through my Facebook page and reading all the supportive posts and comments. It moved me to tears of gratitude for the prayers, love, and support that is being shown to us; but my kids still had to wait three minutes before leaving for school and I didn't want to cry in front of them and ruin their day at school. I had to actively distract my mind so that I could hold it together for just three more minutes. It was difficult. Difficult due the emotions that were inside me, difficult because I am so physically tired, difficult because I was overwhelmed with gratitude, difficult because I have had to hold it together for so long… but I made it through those three minutes. The door to the house had not even shut and I was crying. I just really need to say thank you to everyone that has been lifting us up through our crisis. I need you. I appreciate you. I’m scared of the unknown paths that Jim and I will have to cross soon. Please continue your support. I am eternally grateful to you for things like prayers, encouraging words, and your fb comments and likes. They mean so much right now. So now, for the third time this morning I need to go reapply my make up because I have cried on it yet again.

“Tears are words from the heart that cannot be spoken.” ~unknown

Just one month ago…

It was only one month ago that everything seemed normal. All my “normal” was about to change. We found out on January 9^th, 2013, that my husband, Jim, had a mass in his lung. On January 17^th, we were told it was most likely cancer. This diagnosis was confirmed a few days later. After more tests we were told two encouraging bits of news: The cancer was non-small cell, and the cancer was contained to one area. Both of these were blessings to us. Jim is working with four doctors that he is very comfortable with. Four days from today, on February 12, just five short weeks after our first bit of information, Jim will have his entire left lung removed.

In the beginning we only told a few people about what Jim was dealing with, and we found in them a great source of love, prayer and encouragement. All of those conversations were very positive and uplifting. Once Jim was ready, we told the rest our friends and family. Most of those conversations were supportive and encouraging. Sadly, not all. 

I can’t speak for Jim, but for me it has been a roller coaster of emotions; worry, denial, and anger being the most prominent. Right now I am in a ‘just roll with it’ state of mind. It is out of my control. I can only react to it. I can’t predict what will happen. I can’t fix it. I can’t make it go away. It is what it is. We will play the cards that are dealt to us.

I am so thankful to those that have been praying for Jim, and for my family. I am thankful to those that have sent us words of encouragement. I am thankful that the cancer is not as bad as it could have been. I am thankful that the cancer was caught in time to do something about it. I am thankful that two of our adult children happened to be here to help us deal with the initial news. I am thankful that the survival rate for this surgery is very high (95%). I am thankful to my Facebook friends that have been so supportive. I am thankful for many things, even in the midst of all of this.