Cancer has returned...

22Jan14: One year ago, on 22Jan13, I announced on FaceBook that Jim had cancer. Exactly one year later, I was on FaceBook once again to let friends and family know that my husband Jim’s cancer had returned.

Jim had a doctor appointment 22Jan13 and we did not receive the news we had hoped for. Jim’s bone scan was good, as expected. The CT scan showed nothing new in the brain, which is great news. The CT scan showed the previous 6mm mass in the lower right lobe is stable, unchanged, which is good because it has not changed. But, the CT scan did show a new 5mm abnormal mass in the middle lobe of the right lung. This is not good news.

The plan is to repeat the CT scan and blood work in six weeks to see the rate of change. There will also be a PET scan in six weeks because the PET will give more detailed information regarding the status of the 5mm mass in the middle lobe, and search for any other new cancers. Jim and I will meet with the oncologist after these tests to review the results and make a plan.

Jim’s attitude and spirits are both good. Of course, we are still processing the information. I’m sure we will have ups and downs. We are thankful for the good news that we received today. We will accept the bad news and deal with it head on as we explore our options. We still move forward with the phrases “it is what it is” and we will “play the cards that are dealt to us”.

We are thankful for our friends and family that has stood with us through this journey. Your love and support are very important to us.

We are thankful for those of you that follow us and give us moral support, your LIKES and words mean the world to us. This journey has been manageable because of the encouragement we have received from you.

Thank you, you know who you are… and we know who you are not. Yes, sadly, we know who who made their choice not there for Jim. 

On my feet...

Finally, I am back on my financial feet again. It was a long and difficult summer, financially speaking. My husband Jim only received 50% of his June short-term disability check, due to calendar dates. Then his payments switched from short-term disability to long-term disability. I soon found out that Jim’s short-term paid at the front end of the month, and long-term paid at the end of the month. Jim had no disability check at all for July, or for August. I only work during the school year, so I had no income at all during the summer. I had to manage the entire summer on half of one month’s payment. I went the entire summer on a wing and a prayer, on credit cards, and on the kindness of others. Jim had already emptied his entire savings account and I had nothing left to fall back on. It was scary. It was humbling. It was hard.

It was a difficult time for me, financially speaking. It was also a difficult time for me, emotionally speaking. It was difficult to tell my son that he could not participate in various activities. My daughter did not participate in any extra activities. We were unable to go visit adult children. It was difficult to do activities with my family that required money. It was difficult to ask for help. 

I am now happy to say that this month I am back on track. I was able to meet our financial obligations once again. I had to tell my son that he could not participate in football this year, but sports are a luxury that I cannot justify right now. There is no savings account yet and there are no extra funds, but our obligations/bills are paid. 

I am thankful to friends that have helped us along the way. I have received gifts from gardens, gifts from kitchens, gifts of money, gifts of clothing, gifts of school supplies, gifts of camping, and gifts of time. I will one day to pay it forward. 

More treatments...

My husband Jim is continuing his radiation treatments. The radiation should have ended by now, but the treatments were not deemed successful so the treatments will be extended by two weeks. Jim is also simultaneously utilizing chemotherapy treatments once per week. These chemo treatments will also be extended, but no end date has been set as of this posting. 

Jim continues to struggle with day-to-day living because he is so very tired and weak. Jim requires several naps per day, and yet he still feels quite fatigued. Things that Jim used to do, now go undone. 


Jim still has his hair. Jim was told that his first cycles of chemo would cause hair loss; but it did not. Jim was told that this round of radiation and chemo would cause hair loss; but it has not. When Jim became sick Jim had let his beard grow. Jim's beard became a sight with uneven growth. Recently, Jim decided to trim his beard. It looks much neater now. 

Jim tries to keep his spirits up, and for the most part he is successful. Of course he has his low moments, but overall Jim maintains a positive attitude. As we often say: It is what it is and play the cards that are dealt to you. 

What’s that…

Some days are easy. Some days are hard. Some days are only motions. 

I was sitting outside; just reading. I felt something on my face; I thought it was a fly. I swooshed it away. But, it wasn't a fly. It was a tear. Sometimes the tears fall and I don’t even realize it. 

I never dreamed that this would be my life. It is more difficult now than it was me 25 years ago. When it was me, I could handle it. When it is another, it is sometimes more than I can handle. 

My heart aches all the time. 

headache...

I get a headache from holding back tears. Some days it is very difficult to get through the day without crying. After a few hours of holding the tears in, the headache sets in, which makes me want to cry, creating a vicious circle. But, I have to wait. Wait until no one is home, wait until everyone is sound asleep, wait and hope that the issue will disappear; I wait until the pain of not crying outweighs the tears. Then the tears flow. Quietly, not sobbing; the tears just flow like a faucet left on trickle. I most often cry in the middle of the night. I go into the living room, by myself, and the tears just start. I try to get distracted on my computer, but I cannot see to type because of the tears. I cannot read a book, or check my messages on my phone. It’s like a valve gently releasing pressure that must be let go. Sometimes the headache is so strong. But, I have to wait, and the waiting is the worst. 

Now what...

Today is a pity-party type of day for me. I had pinned all my hopes on one thing that did not come through for us. Now I have no plan. I am devastated. I'm depressed. I'm worried. I'm stressed. I'm overwhelmed. I'm lost. I'm teary. I'm emotional. 

Just for clarification, this paragraph does not concern Jim’s heath.

Low white blood cells...

Today (C2d22) Jim was to have another chemo treatment. I say “was” because his treatment was cancelled due to a very low white blood cell count. WBC allow a body to fend off germs. It would put him at risk to have the treatment, and it puts him at risk if he does not have the treatment. It’s a no-win situation.

Jim will now have a series of injections to try and build up his white blood cells. These injections carry a risk as well. Jim must also begin an antibiotic series for a week, again a risk. The goal is to boost Jim’s WBC count so that he can resume his chemotherapy treatments.

This is not the news that I want to report. As I have said before, it is what it is and we will play the cards that are dealt to us. Jim's WBC count needs to rise to an acceptable level. If you are so inclined, please add Jim to your prayer list, send good thoughts, words of encouragement, and so forth. 

I worry...

Some evenings seem to last forever; like this one tonight. I am so tired and yet I cannot sleep. My mind will not stop racing. I worry. 

I worry about the surgery. I worry about the outcome. I worry about Jim. I worry about being alone. I worry about managing Jim’s care. I worry about finances. I worry about setting aside time for the kids. I worry about how Jim is coping. I worry about having to drive at night. I worry about paperwork. I worry about getting the kids to their activities. I worry about saying the right things. I worry about what to make for dinner. I worry about childcare. I worry about saying the wrong things. I worry about Jim missing Matt’s basketball games. I worry about being supportive enough. I worry about keeping Jim’s spirit up. I worry about conversations, both spoken and unspoken. I worry about Jim’s pain after the surgery. I worry about Jim getting “cabin fever”. I worry about Jim being bored. I worry about Jim accepting help. I worry about Jim not going to work and doing what he loves. I worry about Jim being happy with his adjusted lifestyle. I worry about little things that don’t matter, and I worry about the thing that matter the most.

I read somewhere, I don’t recall where, that ‘you can’t wring your hands and roll up your sleeves at the same time.’ Sometimes that is easier said than done. It does no good to worry. I need to refocus; and stay focused on the positive. I guess it comes back to ‘it is what it is’ and ‘we’ll play the cards that are dealt to us’.