Gratitude...

Some people have said “just take one day at a time.” They are right. But, sometimes I have to take just one hour at a time… and days like today, I take one minute at a time. Jim is doing better and I am so glad to see him improving so much. I think perhaps his improvement is why I have begun to let my guard down. This morning I was looking through my Facebook page and reading all the supportive posts and comments. It moved me to tears of gratitude for the prayers, love, and support that is being shown to us; but my kids still had to wait three minutes before leaving for school and I didn't want to cry in front of them and ruin their day at school. I had to actively distract my mind so that I could hold it together for just three more minutes. It was difficult. Difficult due the emotions that were inside me, difficult because I am so physically tired, difficult because I was overwhelmed with gratitude, difficult because I have had to hold it together for so long… but I made it through those three minutes. The door to the house had not even shut and I was crying. I just really need to say thank you to everyone that has been lifting us up through our crisis. I need you. I appreciate you. I’m scared of the unknown paths that Jim and I will have to cross soon. Please continue your support. I am eternally grateful to you for things like prayers, encouraging words, and your fb comments and likes. They mean so much right now. So now, for the third time this morning I need to go reapply my make up because I have cried on it yet again.

“Tears are words from the heart that cannot be spoken.” ~unknown

Just one month ago…

It was only one month ago that everything seemed normal. All my “normal” was about to change. We found out on January 9^th, 2013, that my husband, Jim, had a mass in his lung. On January 17^th, we were told it was most likely cancer. This diagnosis was confirmed a few days later. After more tests we were told two encouraging bits of news: The cancer was non-small cell, and the cancer was contained to one area. Both of these were blessings to us. Jim is working with four doctors that he is very comfortable with. Four days from today, on February 12, just five short weeks after our first bit of information, Jim will have his entire left lung removed.

In the beginning we only told a few people about what Jim was dealing with, and we found in them a great source of love, prayer and encouragement. All of those conversations were very positive and uplifting. Once Jim was ready, we told the rest our friends and family. Most of those conversations were supportive and encouraging. Sadly, not all. 

I can’t speak for Jim, but for me it has been a roller coaster of emotions; worry, denial, and anger being the most prominent. Right now I am in a ‘just roll with it’ state of mind. It is out of my control. I can only react to it. I can’t predict what will happen. I can’t fix it. I can’t make it go away. It is what it is. We will play the cards that are dealt to us.

I am so thankful to those that have been praying for Jim, and for my family. I am thankful to those that have sent us words of encouragement. I am thankful that the cancer is not as bad as it could have been. I am thankful that the cancer was caught in time to do something about it. I am thankful that two of our adult children happened to be here to help us deal with the initial news. I am thankful that the survival rate for this surgery is very high (95%). I am thankful to my Facebook friends that have been so supportive. I am thankful for many things, even in the midst of all of this.

Angry outburst…

Yesterday I was so very stressed because we had not yet heard from the doctor about Jim’s PET scan results from days before. I snapped, loudly, at a very dear friend. I felt awful and apologized immediately, but today I still feel very badly that I treated her that way. It was completely undeserved and unprovoked and I should not have shouted my angry answer to her very simple question. I don’t like it when my emotions come spilling out of my mouth that way. I can see that I need to work on keeping my emotions in check. For me, some days are harder than others but that is no excuse for my behavior. I’m sorry.