What’s that…

Some days are easy. Some days are hard. Some days are only motions. 

I was sitting outside; just reading. I felt something on my face; I thought it was a fly. I swooshed it away. But, it wasn't a fly. It was a tear. Sometimes the tears fall and I don’t even realize it. 

I never dreamed that this would be my life. It is more difficult now than it was me 25 years ago. When it was me, I could handle it. When it is another, it is sometimes more than I can handle. 

My heart aches all the time. 

I'm having a bad day.

Today was yet another reminder of what I cannot do for Kristen. (Kristen is my special needs daughter.) She has a field trip to tour a facility that I can never afford to send her too, and that there is no funding for… well, there is funding if I am willing to fill out the overwhelming paperwork for AND to wait the 57 years (literally, not just a random number) to qualify for… oh wait, by then she will have aged out of the program. So, why jump through all the hoops to fill out paperwork, which will probably be filled out wrong and disqualified, to wait on a list for funding, which is longer than her life expectancy?  I’m tired of visualizing Kristen watching Dora for the rest of her life. I’m tired of feeling hopeless. I’m tired of crying. I’m not looking for a pity party, I don’t need any comments, I’m just having  a “day”.