Words can hurt...

My avenue is words. I write. Writing helps me… so for better or worse, here is my list of phrases that I have not found helpful. Keep in mind that I have had many positive and encouraging conversations and I appreciate those things. I know that some people mean well, but some people are just mean. I am consciously trying not to be so thin-skinned. I do try to hear the spirit of their words, and not their actual words, but some of these statements have been hurtful to me.

“It could have been a heart attack.” I already know there are many people that have it much worse than I do, but that doesn't lessen my current situation. Just because I worry doesn't mean I am not thankful that it isn't worse.

“He must be a closet smoker.” Jim has not smoked in 25 years. Non-smokers also get lung cancer. If you have lungs, you can get lung cancer.

“If you don’t support him he won’t heal.” You don’t know me at all. Jim has, and will always have, my full support in every avenue.

“You can’t help him, it’s all on him.” Yes, I can help him. I can be supportive; I can help him reach his goals, etc.

“Karma must have caught up with him.” Do you think he has done something worth cancer?

“How are you going to handle things on your own.” I’m not on my own. Jim isn't dead.

“How long have you kept this secret from me.” I've known about this for a matter of days/weeks… not months/years. Here’s a thought… it is not all about you!

“You shouldn't joke and tease about this.” Although it isn't funny, laughter is the best medicine. Jim loves to joke and tease, and to be teased.

“This will cure cancer.” So… you know the cure to cancer and you haven’t shared it with the world? If you held the cure for cancer you would be on the evening news.

“You don’t know how he feels.” True, I don’t know exactly how he feels, but I have a far better idea than you think I do.

“My mom had lung cancer, but she died within months.” I don’t need to hear that right now.

“If you pray hard enough he’ll be healed.” I know many strong believers that are widows or childless. Prayer and belief are not a guarantee.

“I haven’t even seen you cry.” You cannot see my heart. You haven’t seen my pillow. Maybe you don’t understand me. 

Angry outburst…

Yesterday I was so very stressed because we had not yet heard from the doctor about Jim’s PET scan results from days before. I snapped, loudly, at a very dear friend. I felt awful and apologized immediately, but today I still feel very badly that I treated her that way. It was completely undeserved and unprovoked and I should not have shouted my angry answer to her very simple question. I don’t like it when my emotions come spilling out of my mouth that way. I can see that I need to work on keeping my emotions in check. For me, some days are harder than others but that is no excuse for my behavior. I’m sorry. 

Speeding up...

My husband, Jim, now has his first appointment scheduled with the surgeon. The surgeon will discuss the options available, decide on a plan, and set the date for Jim’s lung removal. My new word of the day is pneumonectomy. Pneumonectomy is the surgical removal of all or part of a lung. 

PET scan results…

Finally, after a very long wait, we have spoken with my husband Jim’s nurse about the results of Jim’s PET scan last week. As of right now: The cancer is contained to the left lung and it is squamous cell (non-small cell) lung cancer. Both of these results are what we wanted to hear and we are very thankful. 

The plan is to remove Jim’s entire left lung. Jim will have several pre-surgery appointments. The surgeon will be setting the surgery date “soon.” We do not have a date or location for the surgery.  I really want to thank everyone that has been thinking of Jim and praying for Jim. Your words of encouragement, good wishes, and especially prayers really mean a lot to us both. 28Jan13. 

PET scan completed…

My husband, Jim, did fine during his PET scan Thursday 24Jan13, meaning: he was not claustrophobic, which had been a concern; and he did not cough, which was a blessing. Now we are waiting on the results. Please pray that there is nothing unexpected.

The waiting is stressful. The unknown scares me more than the knowing. Once we do know the results of the PET scan, we can make a plan and move forward. Once we have a plan and goal, we can begin to reach for that goal. Right now, I feel stalled at the starting line. 

Jim wore one of his favorite shirts for his body scan. Jim's shirt reads: I'm not trying to be difficult. It comes naturally! 

My kids visiting…

This is beautiful Kira, and silly Daniel, lol.
I love Dan’s humor. 

My son Dan and my daughter Kira came to visit Kansas! Dan and his wife (who could not make this trip) live in England. My daughter Kira lives in Delaware. Their father Gene, along with Jim and I, hosted a small get together for Dan and Kira at a local hotel. We all played lots of games. The hotel atrium had a large game area with several activities. We also did lots of visiting. It was a very enjoyable evening. 

Here is my husband Jim playing  pool.

It is only by coincidence that they are both here during our family cancer crisis. The kids visits to Kansas were each planned well before we had any idea that there was something wrong with their step-father Jim. I am thankful for the timing of their visits. It has been so nice to see them and visit with them. It is a welcome distraction. It has been a blessing that they can help with my younger children. Kira will have to leave in a few days. Dan will be here for the rest of January. Sometimes I wish that they lived closer, but they both love their lives where they are so I wouldn't change a thing. We love it when they are able to come and visit. :)

News is out...

Today my husband, Jim, had me share the news of his cancer on FaceBook. So, the news is now “out there.” We have just received the appointment for Jim’s PET scan. It will be Thursday 24Jan2013 at 8am. Please lift him up, specifically: that Jim will not cough during the test, that Jim’s nerves will be calmed, and most importantly that the cancer has not spread. 

Doctor called...

The doctor has called and confirmed that my husband, Jim, has lung cancer. (See previous posts for details.) We will be moving ahead quickly now. Jim will be having a PET  scan to be sure the cancer is only in the lung. If no new cancers, then surgery will be "soon". The doctor did not give a date/time, just "soon".  

Jim has told daughter Jessica, son Dan, daughter Kira, daughter Kristen, son Matt. Matt, age 11, took the news much better than we expected. Matt asked Jim if he was going to die. Jim answered "that is not my plan!" A few close friends and family know what we are dealing with. Jim will tell others in his own time. Thank you for your support. :) 

Today is the day...

Today is the day of Jim's first procedure (see previous post for details). It's not been a pleasant day so far. I'm sick with a stomach bug; son Matt has a bad cough. Luckily son Dan is visiting from England and he is looking after the kids.

11:15a We have checked in at the hospital and we are waiting in the waiting room. Jim is scheduled to begin at 1p. Jim is in good spirits despite the uncertainty. I wish that I felt better but it is what it is. I will try to update throughout the day, as long as I have power and Internet.

11:20a The nurse has taken Jim back to get him prepared. I am still waiting. 11:55 I'm now waiting with Jim.

12:35p Jim was just taken back. And now I wait. My cousin is here waiting with me. My mom joined us in the waiting room a bit later. This is Jim on his way into the procedure.

1:50p It was not the post surgery news we had hoped for. It is not an infection. The doctor's best guess is a cancer of some sort. Now we wait to find out the degree of concern. They are concerned about his weight loss. Surgery was briefly discussed. We will know more in a few days. :( Jim is now in recovery, joking and cutting up. This photo is Jim in recovery. We'll be going home any minute.

3:30p. We are home now. Jim is resting. I am still trying to process all the information. We will deal with whatever is thrown at us. 

Alone...

Well, today we received some news. They had thought that my husband, Jim, had pneumonia for the last several weeks. But it turns out he does not. There is an unexplained mass on his left lung. One of the bronchial tubes has become blocked but they do not know why.

The doctor has scheduled an exploration into Jim’s lung on Thursday (17Jan2013). They will try to look at the blockage, and take some sample tissue for testing. The best case scenario is some type of infection that can be treated and will go away. The second scenario is that it is some kind of growth or tumor. They would then evaluate the next step. The third scenario is that it is some type of cancer. No plan of action for this worst case option was discussed at today’s appointment.

Although Jim is a non-smoker for 25 years now, the doctor stated that sometimes non-smokers can develop this cancer anyway. Jim has also been exposed (in addition to his own smoking for 10 years) to second hand smoke from his parent when he was a child, and from his ex-wife while they were married. How frustrating that secondhand smoke can so easily be avoided, yet people selfishly expose others to their dangerous habits. The doctor spent a lot of time talking about secondhand smoke. 

We have to deal with how and when to tell the children; not only our younger children at home, but our adult children as well. Jim’s elder daughter has not talked to Jim in nearly two years because of her own created issues. Jim wished he could have a relationship with her, but she refuses to take ownership of her own choices. Jim’s second daughter is very close with Jim, but Jim shouldn't come between the sisters. Jim’s step-son and step-daughter (my kids) are very supportive of Jim. Jim hasn't spoken to his own siblings or mother in nearly five years. They had a huge falling out and Jim was devastated by their betrayal to him. I have very little family, and my kids and I are rarely on even ground with them. Most of my extended family have issues of their own that they are dealing with. I do have a cousin that I often rely on, but she is already providing a lot of emotional support to others right now.

I am not sure how I am feeling right now. I’m a bit scared. I’m worried. I’m confused. I’m a bit overwhelmed. I don’t like seeing other people have to go through medical procedures and the physical and mental stress that goes with those procedures. I’m concerned for Jim, of course. He must be reeling from all the information that was just thrown at him (us). Jim is not really the “sharing” type of guy, so he has not expressed his concerns to me yet.

I often reach out to my Facebook friends when I am worried and concerned. My Facebook friends are my system of support. Jim has asked me not to post on Facebook yet because he doesn't want certain people to find out that he may be sick. Jim does not like fake concern from people that normally would not give a hoot about him. So here I sit at my keyboard… wondering if I should post this blog or not. If you are one of my (or Jim’s) Facebook friends, please do not publicly share this information on Facebook. Please do not share this blog with people you know Jim would not want to know. 

I guess for me, the emotion that I feel the most right now is… alone. I feel very alone.