What’s that…

Some days are easy. Some days are hard. Some days are only motions. 

I was sitting outside; just reading. I felt something on my face; I thought it was a fly. I swooshed it away. But, it wasn't a fly. It was a tear. Sometimes the tears fall and I don’t even realize it. 

I never dreamed that this would be my life. It is more difficult now than it was me 25 years ago. When it was me, I could handle it. When it is another, it is sometimes more than I can handle. 

My heart aches all the time. 

headache...

I get a headache from holding back tears. Some days it is very difficult to get through the day without crying. After a few hours of holding the tears in, the headache sets in, which makes me want to cry, creating a vicious circle. But, I have to wait. Wait until no one is home, wait until everyone is sound asleep, wait and hope that the issue will disappear; I wait until the pain of not crying outweighs the tears. Then the tears flow. Quietly, not sobbing; the tears just flow like a faucet left on trickle. I most often cry in the middle of the night. I go into the living room, by myself, and the tears just start. I try to get distracted on my computer, but I cannot see to type because of the tears. I cannot read a book, or check my messages on my phone. It’s like a valve gently releasing pressure that must be let go. Sometimes the headache is so strong. But, I have to wait, and the waiting is the worst. 

6 month goal...

Today is 12Aug2013. My husband Jim is now 6 months post-pneumonectomy! This was a calendar goal for us. Next calendar goal is March 12, 2014. Woot! Jim is having a lot of side effects from the radiation and new chemo, but he is hanging in there. Go Jim! 

I wish I had time today for a longer post about this, but I can't today. Sorry.