Alone...

Well, today we received some news. They had thought that my husband, Jim, had pneumonia for the last several weeks. But it turns out he does not. There is an unexplained mass on his left lung. One of the bronchial tubes has become blocked but they do not know why.

The doctor has scheduled an exploration into Jim’s lung on Thursday (17Jan2013). They will try to look at the blockage, and take some sample tissue for testing. The best case scenario is some type of infection that can be treated and will go away. The second scenario is that it is some kind of growth or tumor. They would then evaluate the next step. The third scenario is that it is some type of cancer. No plan of action for this worst case option was discussed at today’s appointment.

Although Jim is a non-smoker for 25 years now, the doctor stated that sometimes non-smokers can develop this cancer anyway. Jim has also been exposed (in addition to his own smoking for 10 years) to second hand smoke from his parent when he was a child, and from his ex-wife while they were married. How frustrating that secondhand smoke can so easily be avoided, yet people selfishly expose others to their dangerous habits. The doctor spent a lot of time talking about secondhand smoke. 

We have to deal with how and when to tell the children; not only our younger children at home, but our adult children as well. Jim’s elder daughter has not talked to Jim in nearly two years because of her own created issues. Jim wished he could have a relationship with her, but she refuses to take ownership of her own choices. Jim’s second daughter is very close with Jim, but Jim shouldn't come between the sisters. Jim’s step-son and step-daughter (my kids) are very supportive of Jim. Jim hasn't spoken to his own siblings or mother in nearly five years. They had a huge falling out and Jim was devastated by their betrayal to him. I have very little family, and my kids and I are rarely on even ground with them. Most of my extended family have issues of their own that they are dealing with. I do have a cousin that I often rely on, but she is already providing a lot of emotional support to others right now.

I am not sure how I am feeling right now. I’m a bit scared. I’m worried. I’m confused. I’m a bit overwhelmed. I don’t like seeing other people have to go through medical procedures and the physical and mental stress that goes with those procedures. I’m concerned for Jim, of course. He must be reeling from all the information that was just thrown at him (us). Jim is not really the “sharing” type of guy, so he has not expressed his concerns to me yet.

I often reach out to my Facebook friends when I am worried and concerned. My Facebook friends are my system of support. Jim has asked me not to post on Facebook yet because he doesn't want certain people to find out that he may be sick. Jim does not like fake concern from people that normally would not give a hoot about him. So here I sit at my keyboard… wondering if I should post this blog or not. If you are one of my (or Jim’s) Facebook friends, please do not publicly share this information on Facebook. Please do not share this blog with people you know Jim would not want to know. 

I guess for me, the emotion that I feel the most right now is… alone. I feel very alone. 

2012 Christmas Season

I often procrastinate about putting up our Christmas tree. It seems like a chore because I am often very picky about how it looks. I like something on nearly every branch, lol. This year I ‘recycled’ some of our decorations from previous years. I finally decided on Radko ornaments with multi-color accessories. Once the tree is completed, I am glad that I have finished it. I often wonder why I procrastinate when I know that I will be pleased once the project is done. I like the way it turned out. It is bright and cheery. 

I also like the tree timer. I wake up to a lit tree in our dark living room. It is such a calm and peaceful feeling to enjoy the tree in the stillness of the morning.

I really miss seeing the grandkids during the holiday season. Some of my grandchildren I have not seen in a few years and I really miss them. Some of the grandchildren we see more often and that is very nice, yet I miss them too.

My adult children live far away. I wish them love and happiness as they celebrate the season in their homes. 

I hope you have a joyous and happy holiday season. 

I'm having a bad day.

Today was yet another reminder of what I cannot do for Kristen. (Kristen is my special needs daughter.) She has a field trip to tour a facility that I can never afford to send her too, and that there is no funding for… well, there is funding if I am willing to fill out the overwhelming paperwork for AND to wait the 57 years (literally, not just a random number) to qualify for… oh wait, by then she will have aged out of the program. So, why jump through all the hoops to fill out paperwork, which will probably be filled out wrong and disqualified, to wait on a list for funding, which is longer than her life expectancy?  I’m tired of visualizing Kristen watching Dora for the rest of her life. I’m tired of feeling hopeless. I’m tired of crying. I’m not looking for a pity party, I don’t need any comments, I’m just having  a “day”.