Staying home...

We were invited once again to go camping this Labor Day weekend; but we had to pass. Even though it is a three-day weekend, the weather is supposed to be quite hot, over 100°. This heatwave would mean that my husband Jim would have to stay out of the heat because 100° would be too taxing on his body, even if he were simply sitting in the shade. The heat would also be too intense for our special needs daughter. So, we decide to just stay home this weekend. If we are going to be stuck inside due to the heat, we might as well stay home. 

camping...

My life has certainly played out differently than I had planned. I never thought last year, that this year would be so dramatically different for me. My husband Jim’s cancer has dominated my life so far in 2013. My time, my efforts, my finances, my worries, my family, my world is all completely different. Most of these adjustments have been made, some easily and some were difficult.

When Jim was healthy he was working 70-80 hours per week in a very thankless job. The more he would do, the more he would be asked to do. Jim’s “reward” for working hard and putting forth extra effort to complete his tasks before the end of the month, was to be given even more tasks to complete for someone else that did not do their job. It was never enough. Our family life suffered because of the long hours. Jim’s favorite hobby, camping, was never accomplished due to the time constraints of his work and Jim’s exhaustion from work.

Then, Jim received his cancer diagnosis. Jim’s health forced Jim to stop working. Jim’s doctor directed Jim to reduce his stress and focus on healing. Jim decided that he wanted to go camping. Jim’s body was so tired and so weak that going camping seemed like an impossible dream to me. My financial situation was so dire that camping seemed like a huge expenditure that I could not meet. Camping didn't seem probable. 

Then, Jim’s friend offered to help me to meet Jim’s desire to go camping. Jim’s friend took care of the logistics and made the arrangements. Jim’s friend assisted in the set-up and take-down of Jim’s 5^th wheel; as well as taking care of anything that needs done during the camping trip. Jim’s friend also taught me how to drive Jim’s rig. Jim is able to simply rest and recuperate.

Jim sleeping under the trees, his favorite activity.

In May 2013 I set a goal to go camping once per month. So far, the goal has been met. These trips have been close to our home, and most only lasted Friday evening until Sunday morning, but it is still camping! Camping has helped Jim to relax so that Jim can focus on healing. I can see a difference in Jim. These camping ventures also help our children to spend more time with their dad. Here's our special needs daughter fishing, with Jim. 

I hope that the camping once per month can carry on. 

What’s that…

Some days are easy. Some days are hard. Some days are only motions. 

I was sitting outside; just reading. I felt something on my face; I thought it was a fly. I swooshed it away. But, it wasn't a fly. It was a tear. Sometimes the tears fall and I don’t even realize it. 

I never dreamed that this would be my life. It is more difficult now than it was me 25 years ago. When it was me, I could handle it. When it is another, it is sometimes more than I can handle. 

My heart aches all the time. 

headache...

I get a headache from holding back tears. Some days it is very difficult to get through the day without crying. After a few hours of holding the tears in, the headache sets in, which makes me want to cry, creating a vicious circle. But, I have to wait. Wait until no one is home, wait until everyone is sound asleep, wait and hope that the issue will disappear; I wait until the pain of not crying outweighs the tears. Then the tears flow. Quietly, not sobbing; the tears just flow like a faucet left on trickle. I most often cry in the middle of the night. I go into the living room, by myself, and the tears just start. I try to get distracted on my computer, but I cannot see to type because of the tears. I cannot read a book, or check my messages on my phone. It’s like a valve gently releasing pressure that must be let go. Sometimes the headache is so strong. But, I have to wait, and the waiting is the worst. 

6 month goal...

Today is 12Aug2013. My husband Jim is now 6 months post-pneumonectomy! This was a calendar goal for us. Next calendar goal is March 12, 2014. Woot! Jim is having a lot of side effects from the radiation and new chemo, but he is hanging in there. Go Jim! 

I wish I had time today for a longer post about this, but I can't today. Sorry. 

School Supplies...

Usually I really enjoy shopping for school supplies, finding things for cheap or free, driving all over town for $0.01 deals, bragging about how little I paid for school supplies... this year, not.

I don't have the time to dedicate to this project; looking up prices, comparison shopping, checking my list, driving here and there, and so forth. Usually it takes three or four weeks to find each item on sale. I just can't spend that amount of time.

Then, there's the financial side of it. Gasoline isn't cheap.  Right now we simply have no money. Jim won't receive his next disability check until September; so we have no income for July and August. Even though my kids won't have supplies at the start of the school year, I can't justify charging more gasoline for this school supply project.

So, what used to be a fun hobby (finding supplies at huge discounts) has now become a dreaded chore. I just don't have the energy or commitment to complete this task. My solution is: in September I'll just go to the dollar general and buy the items all at once, no matter what the price. This way I'll be done with it and I'll be able to scratch this off my list of things to do. Who knows, maybe items will be on clearance.

Rain...

We have minor flooding in the laundry room from the constant rain here in Kansas. Luckily, it is contained to one area of the basement. I have been busy with the floor squeegee and utilizing the floor fans. 

Our ground is saturated from the rains. It's very unusual to flood in July or August in our area of Kansas. Often, Kansas has had drought and very high temperatures at this time of year. 2013 has been unusually wet and cooler. 

Jim has been to tired to help me due to his cancer and chemo, but luckily the seeping water had been manageable. The rains are not pouring down, but are light, yet constant. 

I enjoy watching the rains. I just wish I weren't watching it come into the basement. I have it better than most, so I won't complain. 

Still struggling...

I am still struggling with keeping up on the blog. Summer has taken a toll on us; financial, physical, time, strength, courage, energy, and I could go on and on. I pledge again to try and do better with the blog. 

Jim's chemo treatment for his lung cancer was not deemed successful. Jim is now utilizing radiation and a new chemo, simultaneously. This new regime is taking a toll on Jim. He is extremely fatigued, weak, tired, low energy; all of those types of terms. 

Jim continues to have a positive attitude and sense of humor. I continue to try and support him and our family. 

The CONSTANT battle with the insurance company has been a huge source of stress and frustration. We have no income for July and August, thanks a lot BCBS and Cigna. We'll make it but it is so stressful sometimes wondering how we'll make it! 

I am thankful for my friends, and for Jim's friends. Their continued love and support means more than they will ever know. I need to give a special shout out to D. D's unwavering support means the world to us.