Staying home...

We were invited once again to go camping this Labor Day weekend; but we had to pass. Even though it is a three-day weekend, the weather is supposed to be quite hot, over 100°. This heatwave would mean that my husband Jim would have to stay out of the heat because 100° would be too taxing on his body, even if he were simply sitting in the shade. The heat would also be too intense for our special needs daughter. So, we decide to just stay home this weekend. If we are going to be stuck inside due to the heat, we might as well stay home. 

What’s that…

Some days are easy. Some days are hard. Some days are only motions. 

I was sitting outside; just reading. I felt something on my face; I thought it was a fly. I swooshed it away. But, it wasn't a fly. It was a tear. Sometimes the tears fall and I don’t even realize it. 

I never dreamed that this would be my life. It is more difficult now than it was me 25 years ago. When it was me, I could handle it. When it is another, it is sometimes more than I can handle. 

My heart aches all the time. 

headache...

I get a headache from holding back tears. Some days it is very difficult to get through the day without crying. After a few hours of holding the tears in, the headache sets in, which makes me want to cry, creating a vicious circle. But, I have to wait. Wait until no one is home, wait until everyone is sound asleep, wait and hope that the issue will disappear; I wait until the pain of not crying outweighs the tears. Then the tears flow. Quietly, not sobbing; the tears just flow like a faucet left on trickle. I most often cry in the middle of the night. I go into the living room, by myself, and the tears just start. I try to get distracted on my computer, but I cannot see to type because of the tears. I cannot read a book, or check my messages on my phone. It’s like a valve gently releasing pressure that must be let go. Sometimes the headache is so strong. But, I have to wait, and the waiting is the worst. 

6 month goal...

Today is 12Aug2013. My husband Jim is now 6 months post-pneumonectomy! This was a calendar goal for us. Next calendar goal is March 12, 2014. Woot! Jim is having a lot of side effects from the radiation and new chemo, but he is hanging in there. Go Jim! 

I wish I had time today for a longer post about this, but I can't today. Sorry. 

Rain...

We have minor flooding in the laundry room from the constant rain here in Kansas. Luckily, it is contained to one area of the basement. I have been busy with the floor squeegee and utilizing the floor fans. 

Our ground is saturated from the rains. It's very unusual to flood in July or August in our area of Kansas. Often, Kansas has had drought and very high temperatures at this time of year. 2013 has been unusually wet and cooler. 

Jim has been to tired to help me due to his cancer and chemo, but luckily the seeping water had been manageable. The rains are not pouring down, but are light, yet constant. 

I enjoy watching the rains. I just wish I weren't watching it come into the basement. I have it better than most, so I won't complain. 

Still struggling...

I am still struggling with keeping up on the blog. Summer has taken a toll on us; financial, physical, time, strength, courage, energy, and I could go on and on. I pledge again to try and do better with the blog. 

Jim's chemo treatment for his lung cancer was not deemed successful. Jim is now utilizing radiation and a new chemo, simultaneously. This new regime is taking a toll on Jim. He is extremely fatigued, weak, tired, low energy; all of those types of terms. 

Jim continues to have a positive attitude and sense of humor. I continue to try and support him and our family. 

The CONSTANT battle with the insurance company has been a huge source of stress and frustration. We have no income for July and August, thanks a lot BCBS and Cigna. We'll make it but it is so stressful sometimes wondering how we'll make it! 

I am thankful for my friends, and for Jim's friends. Their continued love and support means more than they will ever know. I need to give a special shout out to D. D's unwavering support means the world to us.